Star Trek: Enterprise 106: Terra Nova

Episode Title: Terra Nova

Director: LeVar Burton

Writer(s): Rick Berman & Brannon Braga

Wikipedia Synopsis:An early human colony on Terra Nova mysteriously disappeared 70 years ago and Enterprise is sent to find out what happened to them.

Guest Stars of Note: space Indians/barbarians/road warrior-y people

Impressions: So, Earth's first deep space colony went dark 70 years before Enterprise started their mission and we discover that the survivors of Terra Nova moved into underground tunnels, made highly refined and detailed D&D type leather armor, created a sort of ancestor worship type social structure, and completely forgot that they were humans. That's a lot of stuff in a mere 70 years. 

Once again they find a planet that seems dangerous so Archer decides he should go down... he was a bad choice for this mission I think.

Reed gets shot in the leg by a space barbarian and spends most of this episode sitting around in a cave wincing... so... glad he's in charge of the whole combat side of things.

Phlox cures a space barbarian of cancer in a couple of hours because... space medicine. Not that I'm all that bothered by this because Phlox also gives some space barbarians the stink eye in this episode and it's the best performance of the hour.

The end of this episode has a whole lot of, "Trust me," "Now you trust me," crap in it. 

The space barbarians have some pretty sweet tribal face paint.

Oh yeah, SPACE ARMADILLOS!

Score: 1 of 3 Space Armadillos

Star Trek: Enterprise 105: Unexpected

Episode Title: Unexpected

 

Director: Mike Vejar

Writer(s):  Rick Berman & Brannon Braga

Wikipedia Synopsis: Trip helps an alien crew fix their engines only to find himself pregnant.

Guest Stars of Note: some greasy aliens

Impressions: So, Trip gets wrist nipples... Jesus Christ, he sucks.

Some greasy lizard aliens ride around cloaked from sensors in the Enterprise's wake and suck up residual energy to make their ship go. As well as cloaking technology, they have a holodeck, and glass beads that make you psychic when you put your hands in them. It seems to me that they could maybe have designed a better engine.

The alien holodeck looks like one of those foil stickers you'd get when you were  kid, you know the ones, they're supposed to have an image on them but they're so poorly made all they do is shine in rainbows. 

Archer falls in the shower at the opening of this episode and I spent the rest of the show wondering how he didn't hurt himself.

 Score: 0 out of 2 wrist nipples

Star Trek: Enterprise Episode 104: Strange New World

Episode Title: Strange New World

Director: David Livingston

Writer(s):
Rick Berman & Brannon Braga (story)
Mike Sussman & Phyllis Strong (teleplay)

Wikipedia Synopsis: A storm traps an away team on an alien world, while spores cause them to experience psychosis.

Guest Stars of Note: None

Impressions: We can tell their flashlights are from the future because they have extra buttons.

So they find a new planet that looks like it can support Human life and with no other research decide to land there and in the end they poison themselves with hallucinogenic pollen. Will they learn their lesson for the next time? Probably not.

On this brave new world Captain Archer decides to bring his dog. So... you know... fuck the native ecology. Also, he just allows the dog to run off willy nilly. What if some large predatory animal was around? Captain Archer won't allow his dog to be transported in the transport beam but will let him run off like a lunatic on an alien planet... he's a very inconsistent pet owner.

Speaking of the transporter they transport somebody up in a wind storm and he ends up on the ship with sticks and rocks embedded in him yet somehow he survives due to the one and only Dr. motherfuckin' Phlox. 

Trip becomes a bigger asshole when the paranoia kicks him leading in the end to T'Pol having to stun him which I wish happened somewhere in the first act so I wouldn't have to listen to his assholery.

Mayweather tells a ghost story and you find yourself wishing the plot to that was the plot to this episode.

Have you ever noticed that all alien planets look like California?

Score: 1 out of 4 for the episode, 3 out of 4 for the ghost story, and 8 out of 4 for shooting Trip.